


Maybe I'm Crazy

by ryanismyname



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Cutting, Depression, Gen, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-02-12
Packaged: 2018-03-12 00:12:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3337451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryanismyname/pseuds/ryanismyname
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan is having trouble dealing with the thoughts buzzing around in his mind, but he doesn't really want to do anything bad, does he?<br/>fuck who knows. (not really finished, but i have no plans to add to it)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe I'm Crazy

**Author's Note:**

> a not really finished fic i needed to write, but probably wont ever add to. tw for self harm, and thoughts along those lines.  
> written based off my own experience with mental illness and the research I've done on bpd for my benefit.

/I’m crazy I’m crazy I’m going fucking crazy. /

The sandy haired man paced around his apartment breathing heavily. His eyes felt wide and his breathing was telling him he was probably on the edge of a panic attack.

/fuck fuck fuck fuck. no one likes me no one cares, might as well fucking kill myself I’m a crazy piece of shit/

He sits on his couch facing the blank television. His legs bounce restlessly. 

/It’s a wonder I've been able to hold a job for this long. Normally jobs only last for like a year at most before I get bored and leave or they fire me for being the way I am. I haven't tried to kill myself since I started at Rooster Teeth. That’s probably a record for me. Hard to remember. /

He gets up and starts pacing again, hand messing about with the phone in his pocket. He knows that he should call someone if he wants to kill himself again.

/who would even want to talk to me though. I’m just a burden, no one actually likes me, they just put up with me. I want someone to know though. That’s emotionally manipulative, Ryan stop that! Don’t hurt your friends just because you're a needy piece of shit! fuck fuck fuck/

His phone buzzed in his pocket.  
He checks the screen to see who buzzed. "hey ry, me and geoff were gonna get bevs. i know u dont drink but u should get out more - Michael"  
Ryan feels his heart rate start to slow a bit. Michael texted him. It’s okay. He's not alone and his friends care. 

/should I go? Let’s see. Mental outlook: better but not great. Still slightly suicidal but not horrible. The panic attack has backed off. I really want to hang out with Geoff and Michael, but I’m not sure if I could deal. What do I do what do I do. Be an impulsive piece of shit like I normally do when I’m like this what the fuck else would I do/

Ryan quickly takes back out his phone and types up a message quickly and sends it before his nerves stop him. "Not feeling like going out. Could you guys maybe come over here though? Just pick up some beer on the way over. I'll cook. -Ryan"

/shit. What would I cook? Haven’t been shopping in a while. Shit. /

His heart starts to speed back up again.

/shit I fucked up I fucked up/

He finds his mind going to the bathroom where he has a stash of razor blades.  
He follows his thoughts and walks over to the bathroom, grabs a blade and shrugs down his pants and sits on the toilet.

/just a little bit okay. Who knows when Geoff and Michael will get here? Don’t want them to know I’m fucked up/

He rubs his hands up and down his scarred and bumpy thighs. It’s kind of comforting to feel the past cuts, some very old, some fairly new. He takes the blade in his hand and makes two quick but shallow slices on his left thigh. He makes sure to keep them shallow. He has no time to deal with anything deep.   
He savors the small relief the kiss of the blade brought. He squeezes his eyelids together and breathes. 

He grabs some toilet paper from next to him and dabs the cuts dry. He figures they’re small and shallow enough to do okay without bandages so long as they don’t start bleeding again. He quickly hopes that he'll be lucky as he pulls his pants back up and ventures to the kitchen.

He looks into the fridge to see if there’s anything quick he can make. He sees a few ripe avocados on the bottom shelf of his fridge, as well as a mostly full jar of salsa. He makes sure that there’s a bag of tortilla chips left, and decides to whip up some guacamole.

He starts to work at peeling the avocados and doing all it takes to make his guacamole. It’s probably not the best guacamole, but it’s pretty good and it’s quick and easy.  
Before he knows it the time has come and there’s a knock on the door. Ryan tries to push down all the problems in his head so he can appear normal to his friends. He goes to the door to open it.

Michael and Geoff are at the door all smiley with Geoff holding a pack of beer in his hand. He greets them each with a small hug and invites them inside. 

“Man, I can’t believe it’s taken this long to visit your home, Ryan” Michael says as he plops down on the couch. 

“Just kind of a loner, I guess. What do you guys want to do? Play video games, maybe watch a movie?”

“How about some Always Sunny?” Geoff suggests. “I mean we’re all fans, it’ll be fun!”

Michael and Ryan agree, and Ryan pops open Netflix on his TV and selects Always Sunny. He hands the controller to Geoff to pick out an episode and he brings the chips and guacamole to the small coffee table in front of the couch. 

“Ah sweet Ryan made snacks!” Michael says with a dorky smile on his face. He starts to dig in. 

Michael and Geoff each pop open a beer as they all smush on the one couch to watch some TV and eat snacks. Ryan doesn’t eat any. His stomach’s been flipping since his near panic attack earlier. He doesn’t think he could eat anything so he doesn’t.

He absent mindedly rubs his hand on his thigh, the little stings he feels from the fresher cuts a nice distraction. With the dim lighting, he didn’t notice that the cuts he’d done before his friends showed up had started bleeding again.

After a few episodes of Always Sunny, and a few beers for Michael and Geoff, they decided they wanted to play some Halo. They asked Ryan if he wanted to go against one of them, but he declined with a simple “Guests first.” 

“Ryan the gentlemen guy over here,” Geoff said as Ryan flicked on a light and went over to stick Halo in his Xbox. 

“What’s that on your pants, Ryan?” Michael questioned.   
“Hm?” Ryan looked down at his pants and saw exactly what he didn’t want to see. Blood staining through his light jeans. “Oh- I uh... must have spilled some salsa on myself when making the guacamole… I’ll uh go take care of that…” 

Ryan sensed that he was acting strangely, but he was just mostly concerned with keeping his secret. 

Geoff got up from his seat, “Hey, Ryan are you sure? That doesn’t really look like salsa. You okay dude?”

/fuck fuck FUCK FUCK HE KNOWS/

Ryan starts to hyperventilate, his thoughts buzzing angrily in his head. It’s obvious by now that it’s not salsa as the stain starts to darken and get larger. 

Ryan looks away from his friends wishing he could just disappear.

“Ryan. Ryan!”

Ryan snaps his head back just to see a very concerned looking Geoff. “You’ve been acting off all night. I didn't say anything, but seriously. Are you okay, Ryan?”

Ryan didn’t know if he could say anything. He felt suffocated. With both Geoff and Michael looking at him as if he was a hurt puppy. His throat clenched and unclenched.

“I.. umm.. uh… m-maybe not. “  
Ryan looked down guiltily. Anything to escape the pitying looks of his friends.

/I know I’m fucked up don’t give me that look. Don’t give me that look I’m fine. I can take care of myself. /

Geoff takes him by the shoulders and Ryan jumps. “We’re your friends, Ryan. We want you to be okay. We want to help you if you need it”

Ryan continues to avoid the eyes of his friends as he gets himself to speak.

“I’m... I’m just fucked up... don’t worry about me.” He fiddles with his pant leg, his fingers itching to do something.   
“I… I have help. I take meds. Used to do the therapy thing. It… It hasn’t been bad in a while. “

“If it gets bad at all you need to tell someone, Ryan.” Michael interrupts.   
“We don’t want you doing anything to hurt yourself.”

“L-leave me alone. I’m fine. I can take care of myself I’m fine. I’ll just hurt anyone who gets close to me. I shouldn't have invited you over. I don’t deserve friends.” 

Ryan starts to walk towards the front door willing his friends to follow him, but they stay put. Ryan’s mind is on high alert, his thoughts racing by like bullets leaving pain in their path.

“Ryan. It’s okay. We want to help you. We care about you. We won’t leave just because you happen to need a bit more help.”

“You don’t understand, Geoff!” Ryan is suddenly crying and yelling, his feelings burning up inside too strongly.   
“you don’t understand what it’s like. I take advantage of any friends I let get close enough. Its hard to tell if I even like them or just use them to make myself feel better. I’ve threatened suicide if my friends wanted to hang out with someone who wasn’t me. Hell. I’ve even tried before. I’ve been so close to death so many times before.”

Ryan starts to quiet a bit with some of his rage burnt off. “I’m fine. I’m better. I’m not going to kill myself. Just gonna scar myself up a bit. Don’t offer me your sympathy, I don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible human being. I deserve all the pain I bring upon myself.”

Geoff and Michael come over to him. Geoff plants his hand firmly on Ryan’s shoulder.

“We’re not leaving. And we’re not going to abandon you. I won’t let you sabotage yourself.”


End file.
